The Point-Blank Creeper

Today, we will examine one of the simpler genres of creeper. Note that the above photograph of five beautiful ladies is being tainted by the ever-present, point-blank creeper. This case of the point-blank creeper comes in the form of a blue-striped, button-down shirt and blue jeans. The point-blank creeper is shameless, fearless and immoral. This creeper is easily identified in this instance for several reasons. First and foremost, he is caught red-eyed. The red-eyed, point-blank creeper proves not only his intentional and direct eye contact with the camera but also his self-awareness of his creeper ways. The point-blank creeper has no shame. Today's creeper intentionally and willingly forced himself upon a picture, which is often the case of any creeper. The distinction of point-blank creeper, as opposed to a general creeper, is, by definition, a creeper who not only acknowledges his presence in a picture but who, in fact, concentrates on being in the picture rather than turning away to avoid exposure. Note that the creeper's male friend directly next to the culprit is barely visible as he seemingly attempts to avoid being photographed--this distinction separates the men from the creepers.

The Indecent Creeper

Pardon the offensive hand gesture, for without it, one cannot correctly identify the indecent creeper. In the instance of an indecent creeper, the presence of a flagrant indecency, in this case, a middle finger, is obvious. Beyond just the finger, this indecent creeper exemplifies other specific characteristics of his respective genre. The creeper's protruding tongue draws attention to his lacking maturity, which is often the case with indecent creepers; this type of creeper is situated towards the bottom of the maturity totem pole. Furthermore, a lingering notion of sexual innuendo is ever-present in the angle and extent of his protruding tongue. The indecent creeper not only disregards societal expectations of comportment, but he, in many cases, can actually ruin a perfectly photographed Kodak moment. Not only is this cherished moment ruined by an indecent creeper, but, to make matters worse, he blatantly invades the personal space of two innocent girls. Unfortunately, indecent, the courts have come to define, is not always illegal. The obscene creeper, on the other hand, is always illegal, and shall be saved for another day.

The Representin' Creeper

This genre of creepers is not quite as offensive as some others in its class. The representin' creeper exudes pride and confidence in her hometown, paying due respect to her roots. In the words of R&B songwriter, Usher, "Peace up, A-Town down." According to UrbanDictionary.com, two fingers raised up represent the hand signal for peace; two fingers pointed down represent the hand signal "A" for "A-Town." In today's instance, the representin' creeper flashes the hand signal to represent her respective neighborhood. The representin' creeper can easily be overlooked. Rather than attempting to gain full exposure to herself, she humbly relinquishes a direct shot of her face to ensure her town is properly represented. This representin' creeper may not be recognizable, but her town sure is.

Note that there are some instances in which a representin' creeper is offensive. To avoid favoring any particular organization, I opted not to provide a visual example for this detestable type of representin' creeper. The gang member turned representin' creeper is one type of creeper that must be avoided at all costs. The gang representin' creeper has forever tarnished the clean reputation of neighborhood representin' creepers everywhere. If the representin' creeper is flashing hand signals to distinguish his particular gang affiliation, the picture must be destroyed. This is one of few creepers that not only ruin a Kodak moment but actually forces the destruction of any photographic evidence. Together, we can prevent gang shanks.

The Envious Creeper

Warning: the thought of fun times involving sake bombs may be distracting, try to stay focused on the creeper at hand.

The envious creeper is different from other creepers because it is one of few instances in which a creeper may appear in a candid photograph. Generally speaking, creepers usually appear behind a group of posing patrons. The envious creeper may often appear within a candid action shot. The visual epitomizes the envious creeper in a candid picture. Four young women enjoying a girls' night out of sushi and sake are, unknowingly, within close proximity of a creeper. The envious creeper displays a look of disappointment, for he is not partaking in the shenanigans unraveling before his eyes. This creeper yearns to be more than just a part of the picture for which he is a creeper. More than just a look of disappointment, the envious creeper's facial expression--jaw dropped, brow tightened--personify his thoughts: "Man, why am I sitting at this table?" Although green may be a more suitable color for this creeper, his red eyes and red shirt flamboyantly draw attention to his creeper potential--with further examination, the envious creeper is, undoubtedly, identified and labeled.

The Inverse Creeper

The inverse creeper is quite a devious genre of creepers and is often tricky to identify. For those without a familiarity of the general creeper, might I suggest you refer to simpler creepers before embarking on the search for the inverse creeper. Normally, the creeper lingers in the background of a photograph--the polar opposite is true for the inverse creeper. The inverse creeper is still considered a member of the creeper family because he forces himself upon a photograph in which he had no place being in. The inverse creeper is distinctive in that the creeper is, in fact, the front and center of the picture, but, nonetheless, he is creeping. The visual exemplifies the inverse creeper. Note the creeper is, in fact, unwanted and intentionally invading the original Kodak moment. The girls posed ever so gracefully for their photographic memory and were succumbed to a complete encroachment of photography etiquette. Common folk have been known to duck underneath the camera's scope or wait until the photo was taken before continuing on his way--the inverse creeper will do no such thing. This creeper, forceful and inconsiderate, makes a conscious effort to invade a picture; his main thrill in life is seeking any opportunity to shine in all his creeper glory.

The Velociraptor Creeper

Although most Mardi Gras celebrants galavant down Bourbon Street showing their prized possessions for a few China-made beads, this creeper channeled the velociraptor back from extinction for the special occasion. Notice its teeth exposed as if ready to maul its prey into shredded meat; it obviously didn't get the memo that acting like a dinosaur does not usually earn anyone beads.. although I'm sure if one had a dinosaur tattooed in a strategically placed spot on one's body, beads may be appropriately awarded.

Nonetheless, this velociraptor creeper distinguishes itself amongst the rest because it is not afraid to attack the photographed without even a slight warning or alerting roar--it's like a sucker punch for dinosaurs. Although, from this angle, one cannot see the velociraptor creeper's body, it is undoubtedly indicative of her velociraptic intentions. Her arms are raised slightly with her forearm and hand bent at the wrist in a 90-degree angle as if she's a zombie in MJ's "Thriller" video. Now, posed with a similar situation, I feel as if maybe this creeper is a dual creeper that may well also be considered a Thriller Zombie Creeper, for the grimaced expression on her face is either sheer terror or prehistoric giant. Nonetheless, the latter seems much more appropriate.

In actuality, the velociraptor creeper is one of the rarest creepers yet discovered, for this creeper can often be deadly. In this case, the photographed were luckily saved because the photographer snapped only one shot, and the velociraptor's prey disbursed before they were mauled and made into dino bites. However, had the photographer put his finger over the flash or one of the photographed decided to blink at the time of shutter, a second or third take could have led to a deadly and bloody scene. Picture takers beware! The velociraptor creeper is not simply a creeper, it is a murderer and masochist. The only means of defense is through sheer intimidation, undoubtedly achieved by the counterattack of a T-Rex creeper. Stay tuned for this one.

The Disoriented Creeper

At first glance, this creeper may be confused with the inverse creeper, however, the disoriented creeper is actually quite different than the inverse creeper. Whereas the inverse creeper acts intentionally and maliciously creepy in ruining a Kodak moment, the disoriented creeper does not act with mal-intent, yet this creeper's creepiness causes similar ruin. The disoriented creeper is, in fact, invited and welcomed into the photograph, however, becomes an identifiable, grade-A creeper when she becomes disoriented, believing she is being photographed with the group yet seeming to do nothing but foul the photograph and the moment.

The festivities of Mardi Gras have rendered her internal compass useless and disabled because, although one cannot see her face from this angle, she is, in fact, smiling and posing for the photograph but is simply lost in her creeper ways to realize she is facing the others posing for a picture. She not only believes she is being photographed as the others in her group but is also fooled into this misconception by the welcoming arm of her fellow group member; this gesture acts as a decoy to further disorient the creeper and bring her into a deeper stupor of creepiness. Whereas most creepers act alone, this creeper is actually enabled and provoked by one of the photographed. In the court of creepiness, this case may be thrown out.

The Pack-o-Creepers

Similar to the timber-wolf and the wild coyote, creepers may travel in packs, and this picture exposes the creeper pack in its natural habitat. Undoubtedly, the creepers have distinctive creeper qualities individually, they nonetheless travel as a pack. The representin' creeper and the two point-blank creepers work separately to achieve a similar goal--creeper status. This teamwork shows the astounding level of creepiness found in a pack-o-creepers, for although each acts individually, they are synchronized and simultaneously creep into this picturesque pose, ruining the moment and capturing the essence of creeper species as a whole.

The Bonnie and Clyde Creepers

Almost as lethal as the velociraptor creeper, the Bonnie and Clyde creepers are a husband-and-wife dynamic duo of sheer creepiness. Notice how husband eyes the jello goodness that is being injected into the photographed's mouth; at first glance, he may appear to be the envious creeper because he is undoubtedly envious that he is not on the receiving end of that jello syringe. However, at a closer glance, a trained creeper-spotting eye is able to identify this Clyde's partnering creeper, Bonnie. She can be identified by the locks of her red hair and the faint glimpse of her squinting, preying eye. Sneaky and devious, as most species of creepers, Bonnie and Clyde creepers are double the trouble.

Whether Clyde acts as the decoy while Bonnie attacks or if both plot to ambush the photographed, one can never be sure the intentions of the Bonnie and Clyde creepers but should always act with precaution in the presence of such a devious duo, for they are in direct cahoots in the master scheme of creeper plotting. They are undoubtedly a duet of creepiness exuding the exact creeper qualities that ruin any delicious cherry, liquor-laced treat.

The Zoolander Creeper

The Zoolander creeper is the point-blank creeper reincarnated and far more smug. His creeper ways are skillfully perfected in that he screams, "Come see how good I look," without saying a word. The Zoolander creeper is ruthlessly creepy and smug, simultaneously. This is the type of multi-tasking that leads to the type of creeping that is not deterred by an arm pose. In fact, the Zoolander creeper embraces any obstacle with grace and poise as he has the ability to strategize at a moment's notice in order to position himself in an optimal creeping position before being detected. Nonetheless, his overly confident demeanor is reflected in the pursed-lip, kissy-face, for the Zoolander creeper knows that this pose will exude his self-proclaimed distinctively perfect cheekbone structure.